I was shopping with my friend Michelle at the Food Coop yesterday. I grabbed the big jar of dried mulberries. It was nearly empty.
I held up the jar and said, "Look at this! There's hardly any in here. Somebody's been eating them!" Said Michelle, "Yeah. It was probably you."
My first thought was, "Dang, that was cold, Michelle." But there was a lot of truth, too.
Because I have been eating a lot of dried mulberries. I graze on them throughout the day; I can easily eat a pound a week (hell, in 5 days). And I do.
They are one of my few pleasure foods, foods I eat unconsciously, foods I eat when I need something, or feel a lack. Unlike most of the food I consume, I don't measure the amount of mulberries I eat, I eat them standing up, and I don't log the amounts and times I eat them (as I generally do with other food). I do the same with cashews, slices of dried apples, and almond butter. What they have in common is that I can eat them quickly, with no preparation and no (or few) utensils.
I am aware that I want to stay unconscious when I eat like this, and think that it's acceptable because I'm not downing bowls of oatmeal or ice cream. I call that my Harm-Reduction Mind: this is much less destructive than previous behavior, so it is better.
Clearly, I don't accept it. Rather, I feel shame about it, and the more conscious I am of other behavior, the more glaringly obvious is my embrace of Dead Zones and the foods that take me there.
And I am still "using" food to fix me, just different food, and smaller quantities.
My first thought was, "Dang, that was cold, Michelle." But there was a lot of truth, too.
Because I have been eating a lot of dried mulberries. I graze on them throughout the day; I can easily eat a pound a week (hell, in 5 days). And I do.
They are one of my few pleasure foods, foods I eat unconsciously, foods I eat when I need something, or feel a lack. Unlike most of the food I consume, I don't measure the amount of mulberries I eat, I eat them standing up, and I don't log the amounts and times I eat them (as I generally do with other food). I do the same with cashews, slices of dried apples, and almond butter. What they have in common is that I can eat them quickly, with no preparation and no (or few) utensils.
I am aware that I want to stay unconscious when I eat like this, and think that it's acceptable because I'm not downing bowls of oatmeal or ice cream. I call that my Harm-Reduction Mind: this is much less destructive than previous behavior, so it is better.
Clearly, I don't accept it. Rather, I feel shame about it, and the more conscious I am of other behavior, the more glaringly obvious is my embrace of Dead Zones and the foods that take me there.
And I am still "using" food to fix me, just different food, and smaller quantities.
No comments:
Post a Comment
Don't be shy! I want to know what you think...