Me now. |
I don’t remember when I
stopped looking at my body, or if I ever even started. Like many women—especially
fat women (or those afraid of being fat)—I’ve long judged and avoided my body,
and considered it (and myself) ugly. I long ago learned to look selectively. Even
as a skinny kid, I would only look at my face (and just the parts of it, like
my eyes and cheekbones, which I considered less ugly) and avoid the rest. I
lived from the neck up long before I’d ever heard that phrase.
Being a survivor of
sexual abuse was a part of it, certainly; I rejected my body because it had not
protected me in my time of need (and had betrayed me, too. Long deprived, I always
hungered for any kind of physical contact). A therapist once assigned me the
task of looking at seven-year-old girls, the age of the first sexual abuse I
remember. “You’ll see how small little girls are,” she said, “and so helpless.”
She was right, of course. (Even years afterwards, I’d still turn away and cry whenever
I’d just glance at one of those small faces atop a set of tiny limbs.)
For decades—the skinny
ones and the fat—I didn’t know what my body looked like because I didn’t look; I was afraid to look, and I was ashamed to look. I wore poorly-fitting and shapeless clothes
to camouflage what I did not want to see. I ordered clothes by mail for convenience and to avoid the visibility (and potential shame) of shopping in public. The idea that I could wear clothes to highlight or accentuate my body was an unknown concept. Of course I preferred to make love in the dark, and struggled to accept the slow caress, the lingering, tender gaze.
Exhibit A: Shapeless clothes (2010) |
One of the benefits of this training is
that I can now tell when I’m doing a “perfect parts” self-gaze, versus simply seeing my body. Also, I no longer measure my appearance based on others’ attention
because I now have my own base of knowledge. I know, too, that there is a
difference between how my body feels to me and how it looks. Because of my increased muscle tone, for example, I feel (and am) sleeker. I am still carrying excess fat, however, so am still bulgy around my stomach, upper thighs, and butt.
I can’t (yet) say that I love my body, but I am becoming familiar with it, have learned to see it, and do so with diminishing shame.
I can’t (yet) say that I love my body, but I am becoming familiar with it, have learned to see it, and do so with diminishing shame.
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