Life in Skinny Drag

I've made major changes in the foods I consume and the way I move through and in the world. I'm making and consuming even more fermented foods, especially homemade kefir, beet kvass, and fermented carrots and ginger. I eat a lot of protein (about 180g daily), especially red meat, whey isolate, and egg whites. I take supplements like magnesium, niacin, vitamins C and D, SAM-e, and glutamine. I'm lifting moderately heavy weights 3-4 times a week at my gym, and walking about 75 minutes or more three times a week. 

The results are significant: my body fat has come down with a major increase in muscle mass; my strength, flexibility, and stamina are better than they've ever been in my life. My mood is generally quite good, and the depression and anxiety have eased greatly. 
I'm also much smaller (even though my weight hasn't shifted significantly in the last year) --I used to wear size 18WP pants that translates as "short wide woman"); now I wear misses' 12 or 10.
I often feel as if I'm passing--kind of like I'm a fat person in a skinny suit. I'm the same me, but my presentation triggers different responses. It is curious how my physical changes  affect those around me. Now that I'm smaller, I see quite clearly (and regularly) how fat and big people are discriminated against--because shop clerks and other service people treat me so very well.

They eagerly come to me in stores, I no longer have to chase them down; I now get shown to much better seats in restaurants. This is true even in places I've gone into for years--which makes the treatment even more distressing.( Sometimes I want to scream out, "Funny, you never treated me this nice when I was big!" but I don't.)
The most difficult responses are from people I've known for quite a while.They take a lot of different forms--snide comments from a friend who has suddenly become hyper-critical of my body the smaller it gets--and will report with unfettered glee if she thinks I've gained weight. Or when someone begins to come on to you after you've gotten smaller--that's just creepy. Sometimes I think it's shame--a friend who carries a lot of extra fat used to take pictures of us each time she came to visit, and then share them with me. The last couple of times she took the pictures, but "keeps forgetting" to send me copies.

 (This Clusie L. YouTube video--"Why People Don't Want You to Lose Weight"--addresses some of this. Definitely worth a watch.) 

Or another who has been doing aerobic activity for years, frequently complains of being in poor health, and despairs often about losing weight (that is, losing fat). She's seen me make these changes (and the results), we've talked a little bit about it--and she continues to do her aerobic activity and complain. I don't think there's only one true path to health, but I've stopped counting the number of people who tell me they want to get healthier, compliment me on my health--and yet keep doing what they've always been doing. "The eye doesn't see what flies into it," is a West African proverb that seems particularly apt.
I'm going to keep doing what I'm doing. That's what I know.

Coming 'Round the Mountain

I am feeling as if the good news continues to blossom. 
Am still eating smaller meals (as I wrote about here) and weightlifting two to three times weekly. Today is my 16th day off of all grains. I also weighed myself on Monday, have put a weekly weigh-in on my calendar, and am logging my weight.

Hello, old friend.

I was not pleased with my weight (200 pounds, exactly), yet was tired of my fear of the scale, and gave up that curious and familiar belief that if I didn't weigh myself I wouldn't weigh as much. (In my defense, I will say that the foolishness of this thought is a lot more evident on the screen than it is in my brain.)

In the beginning was the writing...

A few days ago I (again) started writing down the food I'm eating. Some of it (like raisins and nuts), I measure before eating. And as was true with the granola, just the act of recording the quantity has painlessly led me to eating less food. 

I do have challenges when I go out to eat. Yesterday, for example, I met a friend for lunch at Pambiche, a wonderful Cuban restaurant, and had roast pork, pinto 

Pambiche

beans, brown rice, and flan. 

The food was so tasty! Unfortunately, I was full half-way through the carbs, but kept eating. I really looked forward to the flan, so had some, in spite of my fullness.

Pam, who also got the flan, wisely took most of it with her in a takeout box. As she did so, I thought to myself, "Why don't I ever think of that?" I never do. I did write down my food when I got home, a good thing. 

Fortunately for me, I don't eat out very often, so this is (hopefully) a small blip in my move to eating smaller portions. And the next time I do, I hope to be more conscious of my fullness, and not feel the need to take all of the food home in my stomach.

Becoming the Owner, No Longer the Tenant

 The other day I made a list of some things I didn’t know how to do, the lack of which was impeding my life. After writing 10 items like, “How to be consistent,” “How to be in life without hedging”and “How to keep promises I make to myself,” I wrote:

I don’t know how to stop being afraid, how to stop being ashamed, how to stop living life like a seven-year-old left at home, alone and waiting.

And that, really, is the nitty-gritty of all of this, I believe. Each of those states—fear, shame, abandonment—is about The Other: The Harming Other, The Shaming Other, the Abandoning/Rescuing Other. They are not about me, but I have reserved most of my existence for them, occupying just the foyer of my life.

In contrast, to be successful with this food work (at core about self-care and self-kindness), I must both end the waiting, and give myself permission to take action for myself.

In the past, I’ve generally muscled, shamed, guilt-tripped, disciplined and punished myself around food and eating for others—how they would better accept and love me, or to impress or show them up. And that would work, for a while; until doing the difficult bits no longer delivering the payback I wanted (or was deemed insufficient). And then I couldn’t maintain it, or felt unworthy or unsafe in the body I’d created.

I’m pleased to say that my current successes with my food/eating transformation shows I am taking better care of (and even enjoying) myself, even though I am now challenged with eating in ways that don’t serve me.

For example, these last couple of months I’ve eaten lots of carbs—much fruit, also corn, rice, lots of agave-sweetened tea, and some spelt and oat flour. I’ve regained weight, a sluggish feeling, and puffiness. I also stopped logging my food (when I ate, what I ate, and the nutritional profile of each food).

That’s one side of the ledger. Successes include:

•  I’ve been walking regularly again; yesterday and today, I walked about 30 blocks. 
•  I made a list of 50 activities that gave me pleasure, and volleyball was one (I haven’t played in decades, but really used to enjoy it). Today I practiced volleyball with others at a local community center.
• Eating 2-3 tbsps of sauerkraut 3X/daily (as I’ve done for the past month) boosts my digestion noticeably.

So, now what? Back to inquiry and self-assessment. (In the words of poet Denise Levertov, Know the ship you sail on.)

If I want to feel at ease, sexual, strong, and quick in my body, what do I need to do? What has worked for me in the past? I:

1.       Severely limited my carbs intake (to around 50 grams/daily).

2.       Ate meat, fish, and vegetables for at least 90% of my food intake.

3.       Lifted weights at least 3X a week with a workout partner.

4.       Walked and went out dancing a lot.

5.       Observed how my body responded to different foods and eating patterns; avidly researched others’ food ideas and successes. (As cha cha champion, martial artist, teacher, and actor Bruce Lee said, Research, absorb what is useful, reject what is useless, and add what is specifically your own.)

6.       Created a vision board to reinforce my desired goal of what I wanted to look like.

7.       Came from a sense of pleasure and satisfaction.

Quote from B.Bush to son George as he ran a marathon.

Apart from my ace boon companions in the Women & Food group, I’ve been quite solitary about my recent food change process, and see (from #3 and #4b) that my previous time of comfort/pleasure in my body involved collaborating with others, not going it alone.

I’m wondering, too, if setting a weight goal is a good idea now. I did that (unsuccessfully and frequently) many years ago. Like so many women, I made weight loss (not self-care and self-love), my desired outcome. Could I do that differently today?

My immediate intentions for self-care around my body and food:

1.       Limit my carbs to 50 grams daily, and log only the carbs. (Begin now)

2.       Find a workout partner and lift 3X weekly. (Begin in January)

3.       Walk daily. (Begin now)

4.       Make at least 90% of my food intake meat, fish, and vegetables. (Begin now)

5.       Create a vision board of bodies I admire. (By January 31^st)

6.       Go dancing or play volleyball once a week. (Begin in January)

7.       Read about/research the Paleo food plan.

8.       Decide by January 15^th if I want to set a weight goal and, if so, what it is.