Where Did the Hunger Go?

A lack of hunger is one of the benefits of a pretty high-fat, medium-protein, and (relatively) low carbohydrate food path (aka modified ketogenic food plan). It is also quite weird, and so unlike how I've eaten--and been driven to eat--all my life. And now that I've been supplementing my minerals (particularly magnesium, sodium, and potassium), I don't have cravings anymore, either.

There's also a certain mechanistic quality, which is curious, as well. It isn't to say that I don't look forward to eating certain foods, like salmon, for example. But it does mean that I eat because I know that's something I need to do, versus something I'm driven to do by cravings or sugar crashes/insulin rushes. I generally eat two meals a day, with the occasional snack, such as pork rinds or blueberries. (When I feel like a snack, in fact, I know it's time to eat).

I try to keep my meals about four or more hours apart, primarily so I can keep as low a level of insulin in my bloodstream as possible, one of the tools I learned from Dr. Bernstein's The Diabetes Diet. Though I'm not a diabetic, I was once diagnosed as insulin-resistant, meaning my body's cells had a diminished ability to respond to insulin. Or, as Laura Dolson says, "Insulin resistance happens when the cells essentially don't open the door when insulin comes knocking." This is a major reason I began eating low carb. Anything I can do to not boost insulin unnecessarily, I will do. 

For the same reason, I also make a point of not starting a meal with a carbohydrate, unless it is a slow-acting one, like spinach or salad greens. The one exception is if I'm going to the gym to lift within an hour or so of eating

Interrupting Insulin Resistance

Merritt Wellness (led by Dr. Marlene Merritt) has several YouTube videos on the challenges of sugar (and other carbohydrates), insulin resistance, and diabetes. I value them because they are clear, no-nonsense, and short.
Here's Merritt on what we can do to interrupt insulin resistance. And yes, the solution does include reducing carbs.

Book Review: The Diabetes Diet

Richard K. Bernstein, M.D. The Diabetes Diet: Dr. Bernstein's Low-Carbohydrate Solution. Little, Brown & Company, 2005.

Unlike the American Diabetes Association, Richard Bernstein, a medical doctor with Type 1 diabetes, believes the path to health for diabetics--and overweight nondiabetics like me--is an extremely low (low) carbohydrate food plan. He lays it out in The Diabetes Diet.
One of the book's strengths is his clear description of why high carbohydrates are fat magnets (they 1. boost insulin; 2. efficiently store carbs as fat and 3. turn off an enzyme that helps the body burn fat) and harmful for diabetics and non-diabetics alike.

Low-carbing, Bernstein says, saved his life. He was diagnosed with Type 1 diabetes at 12, way back in 1967. Diabetics died quite young, and high-carbohydrate food plans were the norm. In addition, blood glucose meters were very expensive and sold only to hospitals.
As an adult, Bernstein didn't like the diabetes-related health problems he experienced, nor his doctor's inability to do much about them. Bernstein did so research, and got his own glucometer, then saw that blood sugar levels--and need for insulin--were significantly lower when he consumed fewer carbs. (He notes, here, that the ADA long opposed access to glucometers for people with diabetes, and still opposes their use by diabetics who don't use insulin.) Bernstein kicked his doctor to the curb, went to medical school himself, and started a practice serving those with diabetes and/or excessive fat. He has thrived for 64 years with Type 1 diabetes
A reader would be wrong to think Bernstein's is just like other better-known low  carbohydrate food plans and diets. Unlike Atkins, South Beach, and the Sonoma diets, for example, there are no phases in Bernstein's food plan: you get low and stay low. That makes sense to me. I mean, what's the point of getting off of sugar and other carbohydrates only to reintroduce them?(In contrast, however, see the results of this study.) He also scoffs at the value of the glycemic index, and rejects it.
Bernstein's plan is pretty simple:

Krash!

I should have known, but I didn't.

Most of last week I was dragging around--and I mean d r a g g i n g.  I was lethargic, and spent as much time as possible sleeping. In fact, I couldn't get enough of it.
Late Friday afternoon, however, I started feeling better--and I didn't know why.  And then I remembered something I'd read on Laura Dolson's low-carb blog about a nasty topic called carb crash.
Short version: Limit your carbs significantly and your body begins runs out of glycogen and turns to your fat stores (which, in turn, triggers ketosis) to power you through the day. The experience of transitioning from one energy source to the next, however, can feel (to use a scientific term) like shit: the carb crash.

Getting More Hardcore with Carbs

Lowering the amount of carbohydrates I consume is a major part of my food changes, primarily because of the link between sugar and diabetes, a family history of diabetes, and an A1C (blood glucose test diabetes) level of 5.5. As well, I am and feel bloated, sluggish, and sometimes ache when I consume lots of carbs.
My definition of "lots of carbs" keeps changing. Two years ago, I regularly consumed 400-500 grams of carbs daily (if not more--easy to do with the mounds of rice and oatmeal I ate). Even when I cut back and started tracking my nutritional intake, I never really measured all of the carbs I ate--I didn't count the ones in vegetables or coconut milk, for example. (And then I just stopped counting carbs at all...)
Carb Consciousness: Take II
I'm again back to being conscious about what and how I eat, and have been slowly edging toward getting my carbs down to 40, and then 30 grams daily.
That is a massive, massive change. I've been aiming in that direction for the last few days, and it is very challenging.
Now I'm asking myself, "Why? Why 30?" It is, of course, to get myself into losing weight more quickly by triggering ketosis, and burning fat. Now, I've lost 9 pounds in about 5 from going to the gym (kind of) regularly, eating lots more vegetables, boosting the protein a smidge, and cutting back (but not eliminating) fruit and chocolate. That rate of weight loss must not be enough for me. I want, no crave--more, faster.

For the last couple of days I've been using Ketolog, a great, simple and free Android carb-tracking program. The information I've gleaned is eye-opening. I tracked the carbs for everything I ate in my first meal of the day, including the spinach and garlic and eggs. Those, plus 4 ounces of sweet potato, got me to 40--in one meal.
So, for now, I'm just going to focus on a goal of 60 daily grams of carbs, and call it good.

Who Knew?

Last night I made a great pot of pinto beans (seasoned with a little hijiki, breakfast sausage, and smoked paprika). This morning I couldn't decide what to have for breakfast--and have run out of granola, my current carb standby. I was also craving a salad, but was out of salad dressing (yes, I do need to go shopping today).

Jill Kelly, novelist, blogger, friend, and colleague on the path to better health recently started on a new food plan (read more about it on her blog, Sober Truths: The Making of an Honest Woman) that includes lots of beans and greens.

So I decided to have some beans (about 1/2 a cup) to hit the carb craving, along with some cooked kale and a spot of hamburger I had in the fridge. I do admit I had some trepidation as this was not breakfast-y food (at least, not in my world).

Verdict: Tasty, and hit all of the right spots. I learned, too, that getting off the beaten path opens up paths to getting my food (and craving) needs met--in spite of initial doubts.

Detox

Yes, I've been absent from here for months! The reasons are quite boring and pedestrian, so I'll spare you. And yes, my curiosity about food also went out the window--as did conscious eating. 

Coney Island. © 1997 by Jeffrey Stanton.

I don't think my experience is any different from that of millions of people attempting to create and maintain better habits and lose weight. It is humbling to admit that, although I'm very special to myself, I and my food challenges make me one of millions. In that universe, I am a veritable face in the crowd.
So--I have started over. I've also downsized my expectations, and am focused only on the process, not the when. In summary, I'm kinder and more patient with myself. Here's what happened:

Too Much?

I saw a new doctor this week. I was weighed (with the assistance of a quite portly male nurse) as part of the intake. My weight? 192 pounds. I'm 5 foot 3.75 inches tall. That body-mass combo delivers a body mass index of 33, which puts me firmly in the obese range (as would anything over 30). Obese is not an attractive word (I prefer "chunky" or "full-bodied"); I don't like "obese" but I wonder if anyone does. (And why is there not a category after obese--like "really obese"? Maybe I'm rebelling against being lumped in with my brethren and sistren in the mega-obese category.) 

Portion control to me is like
gun control to 2nd amendment fanatics:
always control the food with a steady hand.

So I asked the new doc (a very slender and tall woman), how much she thought I should weigh--145? 140? Said she, "Well, let's focus on something that's doable, nothing that you

The Familiar, Anew

I've been tracking my food and nutritional intake for the last few days, and can't help but marvel at how valuable the information is.
At the same time, I'm also feeling a growing and familiar resistance to capturing this information (including the measurement of the quantities of foods I consume). I wrote about this in August (Longing to Linger Longer in the Vague). It is as if I want to rebel against myself for having to be this conscious, for being required to know what goes in my mouth and how it affects me.
A few minutes ago I was making a shopping list, and checked out my blueberry supply. Now, blueberries are a wonderful food, and mostly carbohydrate. I have been keeping my carbs to about 30 40 grams daily and, to do that, one really needs to be conscious and careful about what goes in the mouth.
So what do I do? I sneak a forkful of berries, and feel like I'd gotten away with something. Who am I sneaking this from? Myself. Who am I harming/not treating well by not measuring the food? Myself.
It is as if there is a collision between old behavior I developed growing up and the needs I have as an adult trying to live differently with food. Put differently, I don't need to rebel or sneak food from myself, yet somehow I gain an emotional kick from coloring outside the nutritional lines, as it were.

Stuck Between the "I Know That" and the Not Doing

What we want is "how to." And the more you diet and the more you struggle, the more you know all the answers...Most of us can look at a buffet on a ship and tell you how many points everything is on that buffet. We've got "how to" down...
So if "how to" is the issue--how to be joyful, how to have more meaning and purpose in our lives--then we'd be done. But "how to" is not working.
The problem is bigger than "how to." The problem is about what gets in the way of implementing what we know.

--Brene Brown

 This quote certainly resonates for me. I've made lots of recent changes to my food, mostly boosting the amount of fat I'm eating, and reducing, even more, the amount of carbs I consume. Well, that's the plan, anyway.

Here's the reality: I'm still eating too many carbs, and not enough fat. And, instead of tracking the amount of carbs, protein, and fat I'm eating on a daily basis, I do, but don't write the information down. In fact,  I solemnly weigh the food and track the portions in my head. Not writing them down, of course, means all that solemnness goes to waste, and I am not capturing information I need that will help me meet my goals and intentions. I'm not doing the things I know "how to" do and the things I need to move fully and successfully into this new (ketogenic) way of eating.

And it isn't about this particular food plan. I do this (what my mother used to call half-stepping) with a lot of my eating, and around a lot of others elements of my life.

Brown talks a bit in this video about the need--the crying pressing need we all have, in this culture--to begin talking about the things that get in the way. I am fortunate in that I am able to do that in my Women & Food group, and with most of my friends. So it isn't (for me, anyway) the opportunity to have those conversations that bring about change. 

In another video, Brown talks a bit about shame, and speaks a line early on that resonates for me: 

There was a part of me that was working very hard at staying small, staying right under the radar.

 The curious bit, of course, is that I am staying small by staying big (though I now weigh the least I have in years) and not doing the things I know will help me achieve my goals--and remaining right under the radar of success.

What is getting in the way of me implementing what I know?

Becoming the Owner, No Longer the Tenant

 The other day I made a list of some things I didn’t know how to do, the lack of which was impeding my life. After writing 10 items like, “How to be consistent,” “How to be in life without hedging”and “How to keep promises I make to myself,” I wrote:

I don’t know how to stop being afraid, how to stop being ashamed, how to stop living life like a seven-year-old left at home, alone and waiting.

And that, really, is the nitty-gritty of all of this, I believe. Each of those states—fear, shame, abandonment—is about The Other: The Harming Other, The Shaming Other, the Abandoning/Rescuing Other. They are not about me, but I have reserved most of my existence for them, occupying just the foyer of my life.

In contrast, to be successful with this food work (at core about self-care and self-kindness), I must both end the waiting, and give myself permission to take action for myself.

In the past, I’ve generally muscled, shamed, guilt-tripped, disciplined and punished myself around food and eating for others—how they would better accept and love me, or to impress or show them up. And that would work, for a while; until doing the difficult bits no longer delivering the payback I wanted (or was deemed insufficient). And then I couldn’t maintain it, or felt unworthy or unsafe in the body I’d created.

I’m pleased to say that my current successes with my food/eating transformation shows I am taking better care of (and even enjoying) myself, even though I am now challenged with eating in ways that don’t serve me.

For example, these last couple of months I’ve eaten lots of carbs—much fruit, also corn, rice, lots of agave-sweetened tea, and some spelt and oat flour. I’ve regained weight, a sluggish feeling, and puffiness. I also stopped logging my food (when I ate, what I ate, and the nutritional profile of each food).

That’s one side of the ledger. Successes include:

•  I’ve been walking regularly again; yesterday and today, I walked about 30 blocks. 
•  I made a list of 50 activities that gave me pleasure, and volleyball was one (I haven’t played in decades, but really used to enjoy it). Today I practiced volleyball with others at a local community center.
• Eating 2-3 tbsps of sauerkraut 3X/daily (as I’ve done for the past month) boosts my digestion noticeably.

So, now what? Back to inquiry and self-assessment. (In the words of poet Denise Levertov, Know the ship you sail on.)

If I want to feel at ease, sexual, strong, and quick in my body, what do I need to do? What has worked for me in the past? I:

1.       Severely limited my carbs intake (to around 50 grams/daily).

2.       Ate meat, fish, and vegetables for at least 90% of my food intake.

3.       Lifted weights at least 3X a week with a workout partner.

4.       Walked and went out dancing a lot.

5.       Observed how my body responded to different foods and eating patterns; avidly researched others’ food ideas and successes. (As cha cha champion, martial artist, teacher, and actor Bruce Lee said, Research, absorb what is useful, reject what is useless, and add what is specifically your own.)

6.       Created a vision board to reinforce my desired goal of what I wanted to look like.

7.       Came from a sense of pleasure and satisfaction.

Quote from B.Bush to son George as he ran a marathon.

Apart from my ace boon companions in the Women & Food group, I’ve been quite solitary about my recent food change process, and see (from #3 and #4b) that my previous time of comfort/pleasure in my body involved collaborating with others, not going it alone.

I’m wondering, too, if setting a weight goal is a good idea now. I did that (unsuccessfully and frequently) many years ago. Like so many women, I made weight loss (not self-care and self-love), my desired outcome. Could I do that differently today?

My immediate intentions for self-care around my body and food:

1.       Limit my carbs to 50 grams daily, and log only the carbs. (Begin now)

2.       Find a workout partner and lift 3X weekly. (Begin in January)

3.       Walk daily. (Begin now)

4.       Make at least 90% of my food intake meat, fish, and vegetables. (Begin now)

5.       Create a vision board of bodies I admire. (By January 31^st)

6.       Go dancing or play volleyball once a week. (Begin in January)

7.       Read about/research the Paleo food plan.

8.       Decide by January 15^th if I want to set a weight goal and, if so, what it is.

Update: How Now

It's been about 3 weeks since I radically changed my food and how I eat (again). This post details what I'm doing, what's happened, and how I feel about it.

What I'm Doing Now

• I eat about 100-120 grams of protein a day, mostly at breakfast and lunch (I usually don't eat dinner as the large volume of protein pretty much carries me through the day). I also now eat about 70 grams of carbohydrates (either pinto beans or lentils) daily.
• I eat a lot of eggs and meat--a lot. Breakfast is usually 3 eggs with a 4 oz hamburger patty and 1/2 cup of pinto beans. Lunch is either another 1/2 cup of beans, more hamburger (or seafood--I really like salmon, but also eat cheaper fish and scallops. I don't eat farmed seafood) and lots of vegetables--I was eating loads of raw spinach, avocados, and tomatoes for quite a bit. Now its more zucchini (cooked), or tomatoes and sprouts (raw). I feel a broccoli phase coming on, though...
• For some reason, chicken doesn't "work" as well for me as a protein source as beef, so I don't eat it (and I stopped consuming soy products a while ago as I don't tolerate them well).
• I've (mostly) stopped eating fruit (except for blueberries and dried mulberries) as I seem to be extra sensitive to sugar (and more so as I walk this food path).
• I am now drinking coffee again. I'd stopped as I  hadn't found a good (nondairy) milk replacement, and un-milked coffee is hard for me to take. I now use coconut milk (but religiously check the label, as some brands contain rice flour/powder, and I'm not eating rice.)
• I've been able to add back small amounts of goat milk products, which is great. I sometimes use goat milk in my coffee, and have been eating a little goat cheese, too.
• As you can see, the range of food I eat is quite narrow. That is not unlike my food pattern before starting on this path, but the foods are quite different. I'm fine with it.
• At the end of August (and in spite of earlier protestations), I started capturing in my food journal what and when I ate. I write down the amount of food. It's pretty simple because I'm generally eating the same things most days. 
• I've set up an Excel spreadsheet, and am slowly entering the journal info. The spreadsheet which automatically calculates (for each food I enter) the protein, carb, fat and calorie counts.
• I'm now weighing myself weekly. I've logged the info in my food journal these last 3 weeks.

What's Happened

• The protein and the volume of food have really made a difference. That crushing, aching fatigue is nearly gone, as is the brain fog and sluggishness. I am now marveling at how much I was able to do (not at all well, of course) feeling as shitty as I was for so many months My stamina has improved, too. The ADD also is less dominant. It's easier for me to stay on task, to complete projects, and I get frustrated a lot less easily. All good.
• My weekly weight loss has ranged from 2.4 to 3.7 lbs in the last three weeks. From July 1 and 30 August I lost about 25 lbs, an average of 2.4 lbs a week. 
• It's too soon to tell if my food changes are/will affect the rate of weight loss (and I may even gain weight). 
• I stopped working out at the gym (even walking very much) in July-early August as I just didn't have the energy. I'm pretty sure I'll go back next week as I'm feeling a lot stronger.
•  The look of my body has changed. My belly is protruding a lot less, my upper arms are smaller, and I could carry a coupla rolls of quarters in each bra cup now. I also am losing fat from my face, so it has gotten saggy. Why does this surprise me? Yet it does. Now my neck looks bigger. Odd. 

 How It Feels

•  I'm pleased that I'm now more flexible on this path, much more so than when I started in June.
• The food "data capture" is emotionally challenging. I'm glad I'm doing it (for a lot of reasons, mostly to ensure I get the protein I need), but I miss the alluring fantasy always available in the not knowing. There, I can fill the future with hopes, without having to be so awake, so conscious of the results of my choices. So there's a thrill that's gone, a lost expectation of some kind of future magic awaiting me.
• As for the rest (and related, surely), most of my meals and days are full of a  feeling of plodding along, and who wants to plod?
• I feel disappointed (and, curiously, ashamed) that I'm spending time in data capture, particularly about my weight. I want these changes to be about my health, damn you, not the weight. I don't want to be concerned about my weight, would like not to be, but am. And I hate that. But why do I think I am immune--unlike millions of other people--to our culture's praise of/fawning over skinny women, and shaming of the fat ones like me?
  Eleanor Kohlsaat (at the Make Friends With Food blog) captures it well when she writes,

I’ve talked with a lot of people who say health is their number-one priority, but when it comes right down to it, weight loss is what they care about the most. And this is not surprising: in our culture, we equate thinness not only with happiness and success, but also with health. That’s the message we get from our friends, our family, TV, the Internet, and even the medical community. Weight loss will make us healthy. Weight loss at any cost.

So that's where I've been, and where I am.

Just Willful, That's All It Was

photo: stonehands78

Willfulness. That's exactly what it was. Maybe fear, too: I'm holding on to the last grain-based carbohydrate, rice bread. And some sugar. And I decided not to follow instructions.
We all know this combination seldom ends well.

An "Uh Oh" Moment--or Two

Gosh, there is so much to learn about my body and this food thingy. I feel like I'm in a foreign land, don't speak the language, and am missing a map. Must be (kinda) like bringing your first baby home from the hospital (before reading a baby care book).
Today I almost passed out.

Like Alfred Hitchcock With Big Titties

From www.malepatternfitness.com

That, in a nutshell, is a description of my current body type. (Well, a slight exaggeration.) Like many carb/sugar lovers, I have an apple body type (and here's why that is not such a good thing), that one with the bulging belly. (Of course, not all "applers" have big titties. I got that blessing from my mom's side of the family.)
I can't remember I time when I didn't have a belly, even when I was very young, and/or my slender/skinny periods. 
In the past, when I've cut carbs out entirely (well, the two times I did), my belly size was the first change, and usually a dramatic one. People would say, "Hey, you're losing weight--your stomach's getting small. I would say thank you, and would think, "Other people noticed I had a belly?" That, my friends, is called denial, and being out of touch with my body.