The Healthy Hypocrite Ponders Meat

What do you do when your ethics and values conflict with your health needs? I began this blog four years ago to chronicle my transition to raw veganism. My goal and heartfelt desire was to eat in a way that supported my health yet caused as little environmental harm as possible.
After much experimentation, I now know that(today) my physical and mental health seem  best when I eat a lot of protein, particularly red meat. That is not who I want to be. It is, however, who I am now.

Raising beef--particularly cheap beef--has a massive environmental footprint. In the first year, as I ate my tofu, cheese, yogurt, almond butter, eggs, beans, quinoa, rice, and spinach, I'd look with smug disdain at people chomping on fast-food burgers, knowing that their meat was wreaking environmental havoc and decimating rain forests--and that I had made the more superior choice. 
As my stomach rebelled against grains, dairy, eggs, nuts, and soy, and my protein needs increased (because of the benefits of protein for folks with attention issues, along with strength-training and wanting to increase muscle mass), I began eating meat. I was, at the time, eating chicken, grass-fed beef and lamb, and line-caught salmon, so I could still put a big distance between my meat- and fish-eating and those of the environment-wrecking masses. 
Well, that line of demarcation has crumbled: my pocketbook can no longer afford my ethics (and my stomach stopped liking egg yolks and chicken). I go to Trader Joe's now and buy a pound of ground beef, wrapped in plastic, for about six bucks. The label tells me it contains meat from Brazil, Australia, and the U.S. It is certainly not grass-fed. The cheap lamb I

buy comes from Australia or Iceland, and is still cheaper (dollar-wise, but not on the environment) than lamb grown less than a few hundred miles from my apartment. I don't buy salmon much any more, but do buy sole and cans of tuna, even as I know the oceans are over fished. 
When you eat about 130 grams of protein a day, you can't (or at least, I can't) do it all on meat (as there's only about 7 grams of protein in each ounce). I do consume powdered egg whites and whey powder in protein shakes. 
Unfortunately, my stomach doesn't do well with dairy, fermented or otherwise. Although I consume whey isolate (with the least amount of lactose of the wheys) my stomach still has difficulty with it, and sometimes rebels against egg whites, too.  So I can't rely on either one for my primary source of protein. And that leads me back--to meat. 
Also, as I have handled more meat--and more meat that looks like meat (for example, lamb chops or shanks that resemble *my* body parts) I'm quite more aware that I'm eating another being, a dead being killed so I could eat it. I do give thanks to the animal, and have done that for a long time, but even that seems insufficient lately.
So the more meat I eat, the more I feel like a hypocrite--albeit a healthy one. I'm not sure what to do.

Where Did the Hunger Go?

A lack of hunger is one of the benefits of a pretty high-fat, medium-protein, and (relatively) low carbohydrate food path (aka modified ketogenic food plan). It is also quite weird, and so unlike how I've eaten--and been driven to eat--all my life. And now that I've been supplementing my minerals (particularly magnesium, sodium, and potassium), I don't have cravings anymore, either.

There's also a certain mechanistic quality, which is curious, as well. It isn't to say that I don't look forward to eating certain foods, like salmon, for example. But it does mean that I eat because I know that's something I need to do, versus something I'm driven to do by cravings or sugar crashes/insulin rushes. I generally eat two meals a day, with the occasional snack, such as pork rinds or blueberries. (When I feel like a snack, in fact, I know it's time to eat).

I try to keep my meals about four or more hours apart, primarily so I can keep as low a level of insulin in my bloodstream as possible, one of the tools I learned from Dr. Bernstein's The Diabetes Diet. Though I'm not a diabetic, I was once diagnosed as insulin-resistant, meaning my body's cells had a diminished ability to respond to insulin. Or, as Laura Dolson says, "Insulin resistance happens when the cells essentially don't open the door when insulin comes knocking." This is a major reason I began eating low carb. Anything I can do to not boost insulin unnecessarily, I will do. 

For the same reason, I also make a point of not starting a meal with a carbohydrate, unless it is a slow-acting one, like spinach or salad greens. The one exception is if I'm going to the gym to lift within an hour or so of eating

Getting More Hardcore with Carbs

Lowering the amount of carbohydrates I consume is a major part of my food changes, primarily because of the link between sugar and diabetes, a family history of diabetes, and an A1C (blood glucose test diabetes) level of 5.5. As well, I am and feel bloated, sluggish, and sometimes ache when I consume lots of carbs.
My definition of "lots of carbs" keeps changing. Two years ago, I regularly consumed 400-500 grams of carbs daily (if not more--easy to do with the mounds of rice and oatmeal I ate). Even when I cut back and started tracking my nutritional intake, I never really measured all of the carbs I ate--I didn't count the ones in vegetables or coconut milk, for example. (And then I just stopped counting carbs at all...)
Carb Consciousness: Take II
I'm again back to being conscious about what and how I eat, and have been slowly edging toward getting my carbs down to 40, and then 30 grams daily.
That is a massive, massive change. I've been aiming in that direction for the last few days, and it is very challenging.
Now I'm asking myself, "Why? Why 30?" It is, of course, to get myself into losing weight more quickly by triggering ketosis, and burning fat. Now, I've lost 9 pounds in about 5 from going to the gym (kind of) regularly, eating lots more vegetables, boosting the protein a smidge, and cutting back (but not eliminating) fruit and chocolate. That rate of weight loss must not be enough for me. I want, no crave--more, faster.

For the last couple of days I've been using Ketolog, a great, simple and free Android carb-tracking program. The information I've gleaned is eye-opening. I tracked the carbs for everything I ate in my first meal of the day, including the spinach and garlic and eggs. Those, plus 4 ounces of sweet potato, got me to 40--in one meal.
So, for now, I'm just going to focus on a goal of 60 daily grams of carbs, and call it good.

Update: How Now

It's been about 3 weeks since I radically changed my food and how I eat (again). This post details what I'm doing, what's happened, and how I feel about it.

What I'm Doing Now

• I eat about 100-120 grams of protein a day, mostly at breakfast and lunch (I usually don't eat dinner as the large volume of protein pretty much carries me through the day). I also now eat about 70 grams of carbohydrates (either pinto beans or lentils) daily.
• I eat a lot of eggs and meat--a lot. Breakfast is usually 3 eggs with a 4 oz hamburger patty and 1/2 cup of pinto beans. Lunch is either another 1/2 cup of beans, more hamburger (or seafood--I really like salmon, but also eat cheaper fish and scallops. I don't eat farmed seafood) and lots of vegetables--I was eating loads of raw spinach, avocados, and tomatoes for quite a bit. Now its more zucchini (cooked), or tomatoes and sprouts (raw). I feel a broccoli phase coming on, though...
• For some reason, chicken doesn't "work" as well for me as a protein source as beef, so I don't eat it (and I stopped consuming soy products a while ago as I don't tolerate them well).
• I've (mostly) stopped eating fruit (except for blueberries and dried mulberries) as I seem to be extra sensitive to sugar (and more so as I walk this food path).
• I am now drinking coffee again. I'd stopped as I  hadn't found a good (nondairy) milk replacement, and un-milked coffee is hard for me to take. I now use coconut milk (but religiously check the label, as some brands contain rice flour/powder, and I'm not eating rice.)
• I've been able to add back small amounts of goat milk products, which is great. I sometimes use goat milk in my coffee, and have been eating a little goat cheese, too.
• As you can see, the range of food I eat is quite narrow. That is not unlike my food pattern before starting on this path, but the foods are quite different. I'm fine with it.
• At the end of August (and in spite of earlier protestations), I started capturing in my food journal what and when I ate. I write down the amount of food. It's pretty simple because I'm generally eating the same things most days. 
• I've set up an Excel spreadsheet, and am slowly entering the journal info. The spreadsheet which automatically calculates (for each food I enter) the protein, carb, fat and calorie counts.
• I'm now weighing myself weekly. I've logged the info in my food journal these last 3 weeks.

What's Happened

• The protein and the volume of food have really made a difference. That crushing, aching fatigue is nearly gone, as is the brain fog and sluggishness. I am now marveling at how much I was able to do (not at all well, of course) feeling as shitty as I was for so many months My stamina has improved, too. The ADD also is less dominant. It's easier for me to stay on task, to complete projects, and I get frustrated a lot less easily. All good.
• My weekly weight loss has ranged from 2.4 to 3.7 lbs in the last three weeks. From July 1 and 30 August I lost about 25 lbs, an average of 2.4 lbs a week. 
• It's too soon to tell if my food changes are/will affect the rate of weight loss (and I may even gain weight). 
• I stopped working out at the gym (even walking very much) in July-early August as I just didn't have the energy. I'm pretty sure I'll go back next week as I'm feeling a lot stronger.
•  The look of my body has changed. My belly is protruding a lot less, my upper arms are smaller, and I could carry a coupla rolls of quarters in each bra cup now. I also am losing fat from my face, so it has gotten saggy. Why does this surprise me? Yet it does. Now my neck looks bigger. Odd. 

 How It Feels

•  I'm pleased that I'm now more flexible on this path, much more so than when I started in June.
• The food "data capture" is emotionally challenging. I'm glad I'm doing it (for a lot of reasons, mostly to ensure I get the protein I need), but I miss the alluring fantasy always available in the not knowing. There, I can fill the future with hopes, without having to be so awake, so conscious of the results of my choices. So there's a thrill that's gone, a lost expectation of some kind of future magic awaiting me.
• As for the rest (and related, surely), most of my meals and days are full of a  feeling of plodding along, and who wants to plod?
• I feel disappointed (and, curiously, ashamed) that I'm spending time in data capture, particularly about my weight. I want these changes to be about my health, damn you, not the weight. I don't want to be concerned about my weight, would like not to be, but am. And I hate that. But why do I think I am immune--unlike millions of other people--to our culture's praise of/fawning over skinny women, and shaming of the fat ones like me?
  Eleanor Kohlsaat (at the Make Friends With Food blog) captures it well when she writes,

I’ve talked with a lot of people who say health is their number-one priority, but when it comes right down to it, weight loss is what they care about the most. And this is not surprising: in our culture, we equate thinness not only with happiness and success, but also with health. That’s the message we get from our friends, our family, TV, the Internet, and even the medical community. Weight loss will make us healthy. Weight loss at any cost.

So that's where I've been, and where I am.

Bad Mix: New Foods + Eating, But Old Ways of Shopping

I've lived alone most of my life, yet always kept large quantities of food in the house.
I was afraid (nearly terrified) of running out of food, not having enough. I'd feel unsettled, ill-at-ease, if I didn't see food nearly spilling out of my fridge whenever I looked inside. Many times a day I'd open the door, stand there, and just look at the food. It would make me feel safer somehow, better. (I never identified the amount of food required to make the discomfort leave; the fear was such that I never probed.)
 Carb Queen

In the old days (3 months ago), I'd have to have lots of carbohydrates around: say, 2 lbs of steel cut oats, at least a pound of brown rice, rice noodles, a loaf or two of bread. And I'd need fat-laden, creamy stuff: a couple of packages of frozen mac & cheese from Trader Joe's, at least one package of cheese, and sometimes ice cream or chocolate mousse. I also required other sweets: I always had a pound of brown sugar, a couple of bars of dark chocolate, sometimes cookies in my home. Oh, and at least 3-5 frozen TV dinners.
Me and Scarlett O'Hara
My last partner complained that our freezer didn't work well because I'd overstuffed it with food. Sometimes she'd tease me. "Oh look," she'd say, feigning alarm, "we've only got 4 quarts of soy milk! What are we gonna do?!? What are we gonna do?!?" I'd chuckle, but with little enthusiasm. I knew she didn't know.
What she didn't know, of course, was hunger, the exhausting, regular, relentless hunger I knew growing up. She'd neverhad to choose between stealing food or going hungry, been fed margarine sandwiches for days on end, or nothing at all. I never revealed this to anyone; I was so ashamed of how poor we were.

My older sister and I talked about food all the time: what we'd eat if we could eat anything we wanted; how and where we'd shop, what we'd eat,how we'd cook it, the foods we'd always keep at the ready in our adult homes. For her: overflowing plates of crisply-fried shrimp, and lots of bacon. For me: just big piles of rice, gravy, and meat, followed by cake and ice cream.
I didn't know at the time, but I was like Margaret Mitchell's Scarlett O'Hara, shaking her bony white fist at the sky while declaring: "As God is my witness, I'll never be hungry again." My fist was dark brown and bony, and I would have been chattel in her sanitized Confederacy, but we were sisters in desperation, in hunger.
 Now Different, Now Challenging
And now I'm in the world with a new way of living and eating.  I consume mostly vegetables and protein (these days beef, nuts, and eggs), blueberries and mulberries. And am trying to shop without fear.
I've made progress: I've been able to reduce the amount of food I buy, and spend a lot less time seeking comfort from looking at the contents of my fridge and cabinet. However, my missteps are expensive. I'm still buying too much food (especially veggies), and even my Evert-Fresh Green Bags can't keep them fresh forever.
Living without the familiar bulging fridge is still a fear trigger for me. Tonight I was cleaning up a spill in the fridge, and noticed I didn't have much food in it.( I have more than enough, but nowhere near the previous volume).
I had a momentary squeeze of anxiety. "Where's my food," I thought. "Where's all my food?"

I Did, But Why?

Came home, and was very tired. I'd been hungry (I think) for about an hour. Okay.
I made dinner--a quick stir-fry of spinach, snow peas, onions, garlic, and some chicken. Maybe 5 ounces of chicken.
I was only about a a quarter of the way through the meal and suddenly thought, I think I'm full.
What happened next was strange to observe as it happened, and made me feel some sadness.
I began to ask myself loads of questions: But am I?Am I just tired and think I'm not hungry? What if I get hungry later tonight? That didn't seem like a lot of food--I couldn't be full, could I? Then panic: If I don't eat it all now, I have to use the microwave to heat it up, and I'm not using the microwave!
And then that feeling of willed vagueness settled in, the slipping on of that mental and emotional blindfold: I didn't make a decision, I just continued eating.
Once I was done (and I ate it all), I realized I'd overeaten, and that my fears--first in the form of self-distrust, then of deprivation, and then of inconvenience--eventually led to the vague-ing out, and to the overeating.
I'm really trying to have compassion for myself throughout this process. Still, to see this reactive, fear-driven eating challenges that desire.

Breakfast: Spinach, Snowpeas and Garlic

As I focus on hearing what I need and want to eat, I'm greatly expanding my food flexibility and choices.
This was quite the yummy meal, and satisfying on many levels.