Search Me!

Tuesday, August 30, 2011

Longing to Linger Longer in the Vague

One might not think ignorance was attractive to me, given my love of investigating food, how I eat, acknowledging my fat, and eagerness to look daily at my body. I now see, however, that I avoid certain information: how much I weigh and the calories I consume.

Oh, Hell No
We discussed Martha Beck's 4-Day Win in my Women & Food Group on Sunday. I've not  read it (and am resisting, though will get it).
Anyway, Lily mentioned one of Beck's weight-loss tools:  eat 100 calories less a day if you're not at the weight you desire.
I immediately thought, "Count calories? Oh, hell no! I am not going to count calories! I'm not gonna count anything! You control freak!"
Fortunately,  I merely said (though with a heated, slightly supercilious tone), "Oh, I don't count calories."

Why I Don't
Control is a big piece of it: I just don't want to control my food. I don't want to control the portions, or what I choose to eat (that is, of the foods I've decided are best for me). Moreover, I don't want to know this information, or spend the time tracking it . This means, of course, that I don't think I'm worth the investment.
Not doing so means I can stay vague, unfocused,  undisciplined (always a major challenge for me, with food and money). And unserious.
This morning I realized I've put on weight in the last couple of weeks. Not sure why: Less water? Less exercise? Too many nuts? Not enough greens? Different supplements?
So I decided to weigh myself--and immediately got angry. (Note: I don't know how much I weighed before making my food and eating changes, and I think there is something wrong--really--with my scale.)
Anyway, I weighed myself--4 times. The most common result: 200 lbs (tho w/the scale on the carpet, I weigh just 41 pounds). That means all this difficulty, all these changes for what? Maybe 15 pounds? Damn it. What is the point of all of this if I'm not losing weight--thought the woman who said weight wasn't the focus.
And I feel so stuck, so very stuck, between my current desire to stay longer in ignorance, my unwillingness to change, and my deep unhappiness with the now.

No comments:

Post a Comment

Don't be shy! I want to know what you think...