- I was pleased to weigh less than 200 pounds. Why? What was/is of significance about that number? I didn't even know, until then, that this was a line of demarcation I'd held and valued. What do I think is on the other side of 200? It must be my shame number, my embarrassment number. Curiously 198--just 2 pounds lighter--isn't.
I absolutely hate that my sense of self and value can be turned on and off like a light switch by something so insignificant. And yet that is the truth for me today.
- I had the strongest urge to "double down," to "muscle" myself to faster weight loss, in spite of what I've recently learned about this form of self-betrayal and self-harm. And that, of course, is about willfulness, one of my (many) character challenges.
- Memories of past laxative use to lose weight passed through my mind.
- I got a surge of fear about being stuck at this weight, and that not being a good thing.
- Although I've weighed myself at this--and higher--weights, I am just now (helped by looking on a daily basis at my naked body) starting to see, accept, and understand exactly how fat I am, what 200 lbs looks like on a 5 foot 3 frame.I have a range of feelings about this.
- My decision not to weigh myself for 3 months was a kind of magic thinking (similar to not tracking money in my bank account). Not only is ignorance bliss, it also means I can get stuck in Hopeville--I hope that something outside of myself will take care of me; I hope that fortune smiles on me.
Note to self: No-one coming to save you.
- I will continue weighing myself once a week (Tuesday @10 am) and log that information.
- I am willing to learn how not put any emotional "juice" on each week's number. I admit, though, that I want to see it get smaller.
- I am still stuck on the question: If I want to see changes--in my weight, in my health, other/all parts of my life--is that a lack of self-acceptance? Or is that my true self is not yet manifest? Some combo? I don't know.