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Sunday, September 11, 2011

197.6: What Kinda Call Number is That?
That's the most recent (Tuesday) reading on my scale. And I cannot believe all of the ways those digits affect(ed) me.
  • I was pleased to weigh less than 200 pounds. Why? What was/is of significance about that number? I didn't even know, until then, that this was a line of demarcation I'd held and valued. What do I think is on the other side of 200? It must be my shame number, my embarrassment number. Curiously 198--just 2 pounds lighter--isn't.
    I absolutely hate that my sense of self and value can be turned on and off like a light switch by something so insignificant. And yet that is the truth for me today.
  • I had the strongest urge to "double down," to "muscle" myself to faster weight loss, in spite of what I've recently learned about this form of self-betrayal and self-harm. And that, of course, is about willfulness, one of my (many) character challenges. 
  • Memories of past laxative use to lose weight passed through my mind. 
  • I got a surge of fear about being stuck at this weight, and that not being a good thing.
  • Although I've weighed myself at this--and higher--weights, I am just now (helped by looking on a daily basis at my naked body) starting to see, accept, and understand exactly how fat I am, what 200 lbs looks like on a 5 foot 3 frame.I have a range of feelings about this. 
  • My decision not to weigh myself for 3 months was a kind of magic thinking (similar to not tracking money in my bank account). Not only is ignorance bliss, it also means I can get stuck in Hopeville--I hope that something outside of myself will take care of me; I hope that fortune smiles on me.
    Note to self: No-one coming to save you.
Where I am now:
  • I will continue weighing myself once a week (Tuesday @10 am) and log that information.
  • I am willing to learn how not put any emotional "juice" on each week's number. I admit, though, that I want to see it get smaller. 
  • I am still stuck on the question: If I want to see changes--in my weight, in my health, other/all parts of my life--is that a lack of self-acceptance? Or is that my true self is not yet manifest? Some combo? I don't know.


  1. Congratulations for breaking the 200 pound motivational barrier. I am so happy for you, keep up the great work sister!

  2. Be gentle on yourself! We are not our bodies. That's what I'm thinkin' and I have to take my own advise as well. Who ever gets over this shit?

    Check out Brene Brown's blog at She's an expert on shame.

  3. @Tess: Thank you for your comment. I am excessively critical of myself, and am seeing that more clearly these days. (And am trying not to criticize myself for it!) Being gentle with myself...well, I am better at it, and getting (slowly) better all the time.
    And I think it is related to shame. I don't know when or if we ever get over it, but I do think it is a subject that is a quiet "driver" of a lot of disordered behavior.
    I am familiar with Brown's work. You also may want to read Dr. Judith Lewis Herman's "Shattered Shame States and Their Repair," a pdf you can find online. (She has a book out, but I've not yet read it.)
    Thanks for stopping by.

  4. @Anonymous: Thank you for your congratulations and support! Thanks, too, for reading the blog.


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