How's That Vacuum-Thingy Working For Ya?

Today I went grocery (and nutritional supplement) shopping. List in hand, I got some good food. I also bought more almond butter and cashews. This is contrary to my interests (I zone out when and while I eat them; eating cashews is seldom about hunger) and my previous decision to stop buying them. they have become a near binge food for me.
So why did I buy them--in spite of my decision, in spite of my best interests?
I've let go of so much--bread, biscuits, wheat, oats, dairy, sugar, rice, and corn (mostly), but I've not brought in any replacements. And there's a vacuum, and I'm filling it, and not in the most useful or kind ways.
My friend Jill warned me about this some months ago. She asked, "So what are you doing to keep her happy? You've taken so much from that little girl [inside me], but what are you giving her in return?" The answer--for now: nothing that she wants, but some familiars that don't serve her. And Jill said, too, "You know she's going to act out if you don't take care of her." And she is. And I am.

197.6: What Kinda Call Number is That?

 http://www.artdetoilette.com/

That's the most recent (Tuesday) reading on my scale. And I cannot believe all of the ways those digits affect(ed) me.

• I was pleased to weigh less than 200 pounds. Why? What was/is of significance about that number? I didn't even know, until then, that this was a line of demarcation I'd held and valued. What do I think is on the other side of 200? It must be my shame number, my embarrassment number. Curiously 198--just 2 pounds lighter--isn't.
  I absolutely hate that my sense of self and value can be turned on and off like a light switch by something so insignificant. And yet that is the truth for me today.
• I had the strongest urge to "double down," to "muscle" myself to faster weight loss, in spite of what I've recently learned about this form of self-betrayal and self-harm. And that, of course, is about willfulness, one of my (many) character challenges. 
• Memories of past laxative use to lose weight passed through my mind. 
• I got a surge of fear about being stuck at this weight, and that not being a good thing.