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Thursday, June 30, 2011

The Purpose of This

I really like eating fat of all types--bacon, cheese, ice cream--and sugar. And I really, really like combinations of fat and sugar--blintzes, flan, cake coated with cream cheese frosting, and the like.
I also eat a large valume of food (aka "is challenged by portion control"). That means I often--usually--eat two breakfasts at once. That could be a protein shake and an egg white spinach omelette and toast, or 2 servings of oatmeal. (Yesterday, I measured out 1 cup of cooked oatmeal and thought, "That's one cup? It's not very much, is it?" And promptly added another.)
I have a lot of shame about being fat, and being a fat Black American, in particular. A living stereotype (as well as battling the attendant internalized fat-phobia and racism, a ugly, messy glob of stuff for most fat, dark-skinned American women).
And I don't eat many greens or fruit, or drink sufficient water. As a concept, of course, I know the benefits of doing so (and will tell you loudly how beneficial they will be for you), and think about that as I eat creamy, sweet and wonderful things...
I consider myself a spiritual person, and have a spiritual life that I value and work to deepen. It is that path that has led me to live differently with food, and with myself. (For some reason I feel like crying as I write this. I'm not sure why.)

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