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Wednesday, November 2, 2011

That Clothes-Sex Thing

Losing weight and not shopping for new clothes = wearing baggy clothes.
This, however, is not new for me. I've long worn baggy clothes, and enjoyed it. I'd think of them as comfortable, and liked how they hid or gave them impression of hiding, the parts of my body of which I was ashamed: my belly. And they made (and sometimes make) me feel safe and protected from harm
I sometimes find myself embarrassed looking at other fat women who wear tight(er) clothes, and think: aren't you ashamed? Why are you pushing yourself on us like that? Of course, it is my shame, my fear of being visible that I'm projecting onto them. (The link takes you to a wonderful, sexy video of Brit comedienne Katy Brand.)
Like many survivors of sexual abuse, I often wear baggy clothes for the sense of safety they provide me. They give me a feeling (not the reality, of course) of invisibility and protection. And they de-sex me.

Monique, working it.
And Now?
I'm viewing oversized clothes in a different light. I now see that they also bring a sense of vagueness to my concept of self. I'm beginning to feel fuzzy and undefined while wearing oversized clothes, and crisper, more present, when I wear more form-fitting clothes. Being in baggy clothes hides me from myself, and others, and not just the sexual others, either.
And I've been feeling more sexual, much more sensual lately, with a greater desire to be in the world, so I want to show myself more. I want to be one of those sexy, lush women in nice clothes.

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